What propelled me on a search were bouts of fatigue that came and went when I was 10 years old. Calling them ‘fatigue’ is a gross understatement of what they were: They weren't just fatigue, but moments of complete drainage of energy to the point that I had no mental, emotional and physical faculties with which to function at all whatsoever. That is, there was no gas in the tank. All I could do at the times when this strange phenomenon hit, was wait it out.
The first time this happened was very alarming. It may have lasted a minute or two, but the gripping fear of being stuck in this fog made me wonder if I was doomed to feel this heavy forever. There was no telling when these bouts would hit. They always occurred at unexpected moments, often when being able to function was crucial. The moments they chose to visit caused a lot of damage. They were moments in which I really wanted to behave a certain way, but literally couldn’t. I watched myself lose people, for example, while I seemed aloof or uncaring - but really cared very much yet was unable to respond.
Today I know a lot about self-sabotage. I understand the guilt I was living with, and that self-sabotage is the way the guilty punish themselves.
The growing heaviness and seriousness in me were much a result of a big life-change that happened at that time.
It didn't take long after the bouts started for them to become more and more prevalent, until I gradually became adjusted to living without any energy at all. Many would call this severe depression. And yet having been a happy and exuberant child as I was, this turn downwards was hard to believe — not just for me, but for those closest to me. It seemed to have gone unnoticed, as I was expected to keep functioning as normal, and pushed to excel. I, however, felt nothing like normal, and the wheels in my head started asking questions — big questions.
We all want to feel good. In order to feel good, I needed my energy back. So, in my mind, my search was a search for energy. I wondered where energy comes from and how we lose it. As a pre-teen I started reading some philosophy, and as a teen got very interested in psychology — especially when I saw symptoms that I was experiencing described in the DSM.
I was ashamed of not being functional. It meant that I wasn't pleasing the male figures in my life, and wasn't showing up for others with the kindness and care that I wanted to. I didn't consciously think it at the time, but I was constantly failing myself and those around me. I was so frustrated with my condition.
My diving into philosophy and psychology with the little energy I had didn't cure me. Once, in my teens, my mom took me to see a psychologist and I vividly remember the coldness and discomfort of being in the company of that particular psychologist. I felt like an object; inhuman. That experience didn't scare me enough to avoid psychology altogether, as I became a psychology student in University later on.
But before my University days, an unexpected experience occurred:
A friend of mine was going to see a psychic and invited me to come. I grew up in a family that was very skeptical, if not disparaging, when it came to these matters. So this was seen as foreign and peculiar at the time. After the session with the psychic, in which my head must have nodded from side to side like that of a questioning dog, she recommended a book to me - by Osho.
I immediately bought the book. It was saying that spirituality began where psychology ended, and this had caught my attention.
I dove quite deep into Osho and became a serious meditator. I had all sorts of interesting and powerful and weird experiences — too many to mention. I went on a trip to India for a whole year, two months of which were spent in a Monastery in Nepal. I was now a seeker of enlightenment.
The journey was a mess. The fatigue was still getting in the way of everything: relationships, jobs, money, family. Self-expression was a weakness. Sometimes I had moments of feeling what it was like to not be tired, and life appeared so joyous and exciting to me. Sometimes that would happen after meditation, and meditation became a way of coping with life for me - and sometimes escaping it. But it was not enough — it wasn’t healing it. Constantly looking for what to do to not feel tired and heavy was not the answer. We always try to move away from the unwanted, very few of us discover that our healing lies in the very center of our malady. Only years later I discovered that it was the content of my unconscious that was running my show. I was unaware I was operating from of a pressure to be perfect, just forever seeking to be “good enough”.
Osho and India were actually, in the big picture, a small part of the journey. Osho was significant because it was his words that sparked the beginning of the spiritual search. Along the way there was Gurdjieff, Buddhism, Christianity, Islam, Judaism, "Hippi-ism" (oh I was quite a hippy for several years after India), tons of self-help books, law of attraction, non-duality teachers, A Course In Miracles, channelings, coaching (being given to me) and more.
There was also an anti-spirituality phase, trying to be “normal”. Humans tend to move from one extreme to the other. Obviously that phase didn’t last, but eventually spirituality was understood completely differently than before, as something which is not separate from any aspect of life.
I sought and sought and nothing made me feel good; nothing alleviated my suffering. In fact, some of the teachings were extremely detrimental to my already non-existent well-being, as they were the opposite of what I needed: they made me even more unable to function. These were non-duality teachings that caused an already-supressed Daniel to supress himself even further. Add to that being taught to deny the world and my needs (because there is no 'me'...) — and what was a mess before became an even a bigger mess now. If I was carrying guilt before, now my guilt was amplified because I was told that I was defending against truth or God — another thing this guilty guy is doing wrong. Another symptom of my own shadow belief that nothing I ever do is good enough.
Even after all the incredible spiritual experiences and awakenings -- I still didn't feel worthy. I still felt wrong.
Non-duality teachings reflected my own unconscious beliefs back to me. Since I invalidated my emotions, pain and needs— it's no surprise that I gravitated toward teachings that would do the same.
Reality being a reflection is a big part of the Sun Ray Teaching.
Imagine you felt nothing you ever were or did was enough? If you just believe that thought, you will immediately feel small, scared and insecure (because others are worthy and capable and you're not), and like every task is very difficult and overwhelming. Sink deep enough in this feeling, and you will be foggy and exhausted. It is a way of being in which you have zero independence, zero individuality. You are just looking to everyone else to learn what’s wrong and right, because you are seeking approval.
Indeed mine was a journey from the valleys of disempowerment to the peaks of empowerment.
It took me two and a half decades to come to see what a central role unworthiness plays in our lives, and certainly controlled mine.
As I reclaimed my worthiness, the areas of my life that suffered so much neglect began receiving CPR... I started doing only what works for me. That is, only what gave me energy, while no longer participating in what drained it. I chose to meet my own needs first. This was the first time I was truly honoring myself, acting out of a listening inward rather than dictated by ideas of how I should be— whether spiritual or conventional.
My life changed quite dramatically. It took getting to a point of having nothing, zero, zilch (materialistically speaking) to make the turnaround. When I DECIDED to do it, however, there was nothing that could stop me.
The power of decision is one of the pillars of the Sun Ray Teaching. If we commit to a decision — life will mirror it back to us. I committed.
I understood the principles of creating my reality and put them to practice quite perfectly, if I may say so. Indeed, I'd created a new reality for myself, swirling up the rungs of the spiral.
Today I am of course thankful for the difficult relationships, the teachings that claimed to end suffering but only added to it, and every single struggle and challenge in my life. They all helped me see where I was stuck, and it was up to me to tare responsibility for my experience and choose differently. I just had to understand that these were reflections.
I also understand that much of what I went through I did so in order to be in a position where I would be able to truly assist others. It is the overcoming of trauma, hardship, difficulties and challenges that make a good teacher or coach, I believe. Not the book-reading. The kind of arduous journey that almost kills you makes you into a teacher capable of relating to whomever he's working with, rather than speaking to them from a pedestal. It makes you capable of connecting with them, and I don’t know what could be more important.
Without having incredible challenges to move through (not away from) on the path, I would not be able to share truly valuable insights with others, as well as guide them through their own confusion and darkness.
During the period of powerfully shifting my reality and building a new life from nothing, I became very independent. You could say, perhaps, that I was too independent, because I was isolated. I swung strongly from the other extreme of not being independent and empowered at all.
My Nature filled me the pull to re-connect with the world and its people. Now that I had my personal issues rather settled and healthier life-circumstances, I felt the call to participate in the world. I gradually began to feel not only worthy to bring myself into the world, but worthy to include myself in the vast Oneness, All-That-Is.
And if you look closely at my story it is not at all difficult to get a hint how the 3 aspects of the Sun Ray Teachin — non-dual realization, empowerment and oneness/unconditional love — were born.
Every teacher teaches what they’ve learned. How could it be otherwise?! I feel and truly hope that my work in the world will provide great value to many people. I have seen that sharing my Sun Ray even with just one client already creates waves of transformation as that client becomes the change, spreading Sun Rays in his or her reality.
I am here to provide the world teachings/insights, tools, new awareness in this time of transformation, and to do my best to be an example of my own teaching.
My experience comes from my own journey and the work I've done with countless clients over the years. I have sought relief and the end of suffering so intensely my whole life, and this has allowed me to become familiar with many paths, and be a versatile and flexible teacher. This is important to me, because my teachers were utterly unaccomodating.
Being familiar with many old teachings is quite relevant for me, since part of what I do is help transition between what I consider the old teachings and the new ones.
On my oath I sought clarity. Having lived a life of fogginess (fatigue) — a sense of being lost — I cherish clarity more than I could describe. When one is clear s/he can move forward wholly, without (inner) conflict.
I feel that my intense pursuit of clarity is what has placed me in the position to teach. I now share my hard-earned clarity with all who seek relief and expansion, all who are ready. And like the Sun’s Rays freely lend themselves to the clearing away of clouds, I give it away with great joy, for I want to see humanity grow into a more enlightened, compassionate and loving people.
The insights that I have had throughout my path are ones that I have seen all who've worked with me find to be extremely beneficial. That's because, really, we are all dealing with the same stuff, the same core beliefs, the same sense of loneliness and separation, the same sense of disempowerment and confusion, etc. Our stories are different, but the human collective is really in the same boat. Therefore, the clarity that lit up my confusion and darkness at a particular junction in the road is quite likely to be the clarity the will work for you. What works, works.
These solutions are nothing but the next rung on the spiral, the next expansion of your consciousness. We are transforming together, and whatever downloads I receive, my job is to share them with you.
I like doing that in a 1-1 environment, because I can then address you uniquely and walk with you, inidivudally, onto that next level of yourself.